How Much Difference in Education, Finances and Life Experience is Too Much?
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Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a 22 year old female involved with a 30 year old man. I graduated a prestigious university a year ago, have a great job in the finance industry, and have no kids. I also have only had 2 other "serious" relationships before this one.
My boyfriend is divorced, has one child, no degree and works as a security guard. Obviously, we have an age difference but even more so there is a huge difference in our life experience. This does not bother me, but he seems to have a problem with my success, education and the amount of money I make. Sometimes I think he feels inferior, in fact he has told me as much.
My question: Recently, my boyfriend confessed to building a "friendship" with another woman. (Actually he got busted, lied & then confessed!) He claims that it wasn’t sexual in nature, but I no longer trust him or anything he says. He says he has cut ties with this woman and others have confirmed it. Other people in my workplace that know him have been urging me to move on.
I have been struggling to forgive and just fight to help the relationship work, but he tells me that he is unhappy, depressed with where he is in his life. He says that he just "feels bad" and needs to "get his life together". It seems like he is putting forth little or no effort to rebuild & strengthen our relationship. He will not seek professional help.
Are we just too uneven for this to work? If I should let go, how do I do it? That is my major problem... I love this man & it is so hard to let go because he still calls & I have to see him all the time at work!!! I need help! Any advice will help.
Signed, Courtney
Dear Courtney:
He is unhappy and depressed and DOES need to get himself together without dragging you down. See, he is resentful of your success, education and career achievements, but he is not lifting a finger to do anything to better his life! All he wants to do is complain and make you feel guilty for being as wonderful as you are.
Never allow any man to steal your thunder girlfriend " NEVER. You are entirely too young to be tied up with some old fool that should have himself together financially and professionally by now!
Don't get me wrong - working as a security guard isn't a negative thing and if he was truly happy with that slot in life, he would not be feeling insecure and negative about himself. So that means he should be working to come up by enrolling in a job training program, taking courses on computers, or going back to college. He is going to get increasingly resentful of your success and bright future until he starts to cut you down and belittle you (verbal abuse), and sometimes the resentment builds to physical abuse as well.
It should not be hard to let go of something that is such a waste of your time. Seeing him all the time at work is also not a problem because he needs to be doing HIS job while you do YOUR job. You don't have to be evil towards the man (you can still say good morning and hello) but the romantic involvement you have with him should end immediately.
Life is not all about having any man - it about having a man that complements you, that is helping you grow, that allows you to help him grow, and that loves you in honesty and faith... the RIGHT man.
This man does not provide those things. Staying with him would indicate that you accept cheating and below standard behavior, and he will commence to dogging you out big time because you are not demanding respectful treatment! There is no way you should be with someone that lied to and cheated on you, and that you don't trust! Look at what you are sacrificing just to have sex!
About the Author
Deborrah Cooper writes an advice column on Ask HeartBeat!. Her hilarious dating guide Sucka Free Love! provides street-smart advice on dating games and how to recognize and protect yourself from losers! Listen to Sucka Free Dating Relationships every Wednesday at 8:00 pm on http://www.blogtalkradio.com/askheartbeat
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